


This is how I disappear

by lizaretto



Category: Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Awkward Gerard Way, Based on a My Chemical Romance Song, Don't Judge Me, F/M, Fall Out Boy Lyrics, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, My First Fanfic, Panic At The Disco (Band), Pete and Patrick (Fall Out Boy), Please Don't Hate Me, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, mikey is a dick
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-28
Updated: 2016-02-03
Packaged: 2018-05-16 21:35:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5841853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizaretto/pseuds/lizaretto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You are fire. Imposing, burning and bright. I'm nothing but ashes and a piece of paper. We contrast in so many ways, yet it felt so right, being burned by your warmth. Papers aren't so fortunate in being burned, but you know what? I'm glad my fire was you."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Coffee's for closers

A few months ago, _Gerard Way_ was going out of his house towards his favorite coffee shop. You would tell he's a coffee-maniac.

While he was walking down the streets he straightened his sweater and hand-brushed his red hair. Just two blocks ahead, he texted his younger brother Mikey to tell him whether he was going to meet him at the coffee shop or not. No answer from Mikey.

He continued pretty normally. He got to the coffee shop but before he could order or anything he sat down to wait for Mikey's response. 5 minutes later, still no answer. He stood up to buy his coffee.

"Hey Em" he said to the cashier "nice day, huh?"

"Pretty great, " Em said "if you're not the one training the new ones" Gerard smirked. Then they heard the sound of empty paper cups crashing the ground. "Goddammit Patrick!!" She yelled to this strawberry blonde guy with glasses.

"I'm sorry Em" he stuttered. Gerard looked at the guy picking the empty cups up.

"For example he's a new one" Emma said to Gerard.

"You can tell by the way he grabbed the cups before they fell out" G said.

"Jesus! forgot to take your order, G"

"You don't even have to, gorgeous"

"Last night I had a dream where  you changed your mind and ordered something different" Gerard laughed

"Not going to happen" He said.

"Patrick!" Emma said to the guy "Could I have a big vanilla latte with extra foam and no sugar, please?"

The guy nodded while smiling and started preparing G's coffee.

"You can go sit..."

"Thanks, Emma"

Gerard sat at the table and was still waiting for Mikey. He checked his phone and saw 4 new messages.

_**"** From: Mikey  _

**_Sorry Big bro... Can't be there"_ **

**_"Tell Emma I'll see her later"_ **

**_"Don't forget to buy a coffee for me. See you at your house"_ **

**_"Hey G... Call me when you read this. Really need to tell you something"_ **

"Emma! Could you please give me Mikey's coffee?" Emma nodded and prepared the coffee herself. He stood up and went to the bathroom. He was totally not calling Mike. As he walked to his table he thought  _Where's that kid with my coffee?_  

He turned around and crashed against the guy with glasses.

"Shit... I'm so sorry" He said.

Gerard's chest was burning up because of the coffee. He decided not to yell or scream or do anything that could make a scene.

"You're sorry?" Gerard asked "That's all you have to say?"

"You'll have another coffee, but... Please..." The guy stared amused at him.

Gerard saw this guy's wrist and saw a small amount of red slashes.

"Gerard..." Emma said "Is everything okay?"

"... Yeah," Gerard answered still looking at the red slashes "I just need Michael's coffee"

The strawberry blonde noticed Gerard staring at his wrist, so he moved his arm away from sight. Gerard grabbed the coffee from Emma and went out of the coffee shop.

* * *

Way went to his apartment and put Mikey's coffee on the microwave. Then took a nap. Suddenly the doorbell woke him up, it was probably Mike. He got up and opened the door.

"What did you want to talk me about...?" Mikey got into the apartment and Gerard closed the door.

"Why didn't you call me back?..." Mikey said sitting on the couch.

"If it was THAT important, then I guess there was no need" G answered ", what happened? Why so nervous?"

"I got laid" Mikey said looking down.

"That's good... I thought you'll end up gay" Gerard said "Who is she?"

"Emma..." Gerard stayed shut, that might explain his absence at the coffee shop.

"Emma?!" Gerard asked "Coffee shop Emma? Your ex, coffee shop Emma?"

"The one and only..."

"Damn, " Gerard said smiling widely "you got laid with your ex... I mean, that's good, isn't it _Tiger_?"

"I don't know, I need my coffee"

"Microwave..." he said while opening a magazine "Emma made it herself" Gerard said, while laughing silently.

"Stop being a dick and tell me what to do..." Mikey said.

"Nothing, act normal... you are not back together, are you?" 

"No" Mikey said sipping a bit from his coffee "Well... not officially"

"That's it!" G added, throwing his magazine away "Normal, like ' _seeing eachother but not back together_ ' can be"

"You're so gay, oh god..." Mikey whispered to himself mortified

* * *

Days after the coffee incident with the new guy, Gerard decided to go back. He entered the coffee shop with Mikey behind him.

Gerard went to order coffee while Mike headed to the bathroom. He saw that the cashier wasn't Emma, it was the guy.

"Good morning..." He said looking down, as he looked up he went mute.

"Hey..." Gerard said "a big vanilla latte, please." The guy nodded and started preparing the coffee. "I'm aware that the last time we saw each other, it wasn't a good day for neither of us... Why don't we start all over, huh?"

The guy smiled widely to Gerard "Patrick" he stuttered. 

"I'm Gerard" Gerard saw Patrick's wrists and saw nothing but his watch.  _I must be losing it_  he thought.

"Extra foam, right?" Patrick asked.

"And no sugar, please" Gerard said. Patrick smiled. He had prepared G's special coffee.

"Here it is, $5,99 please"

"Thanks" Gerard said handing him the money.

Gerard saw Patrick and tried to figure if the red slashes he saw a few days ago were real. Then, Patrick's blue eyes crashed against Gerard's. He couldn't do anything else but think about that kid... How interesting he seemed.

"See you soon, –I guess" Patrick said.

"Yeah..." Gerard said "Mike, are you coming with me?"

"No" Mikey said rushing out of the bathroom and zipping up his pants, while Emma ran out of the same place "I'll catch up later"

"Suit yourself"

* * *

Gerard went to his apartment all alone. He didn't know what to do but to just sit down and lose himself within his thoughts; and Patrick was his only thought today... His red slashes that last time and his clean wrists today. He had to be daydreaming or something. Gerard hand-brushed his red hair one last time before falling asleep on the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This is my first fanfic in AO3. Hope you guys like it. Want to clear out english is not my native and every grammar mistake is my fault.


	2. The ghost of you

Days later, _Patrick Stump_ walked alone to his condo. He went upstairs past his apartment and straight up to his building's rooftop.

It's been a long time since Patrick's roommate and -later on- boyfriend had killed himself with several doses of Ativan. If Patrick had come earlier to their apartment, he could've saved him. He felt guilty enough to cry himself to sleep every night.

He loved Pete... He really did.

Patrick and Pete were deeply in love with each other. After his death, Patrick started being followed by a ghost of Pete; psychologists say it was his subconscience hitting the " _it was your fault, he's gone because you couldn't save him_ " button.

Already in the rooftop, he stood up in the edge and admired the distance between his feet and the concrete.

"I'm still sorry," Patrick said "after all this time I'm not sure if you can ever forgive me"

"You know I already did" Pete's voice inside of Patrick's head answered.

"If it wasn't for me, you would be still alive"

"But it wasn't your fault, Trick... I did it because I wanted to, I couldn't continue to hurt you every time"

"Hurt me every time?! You knew how much I loved you and you still killed yourself because you couldn't hurt me anymore? Do you see what kind of wicked game?" Patrick felt a hand over his shoulder.

"I wanted the best for us... Having you away from me was the best for both"

"You could've done anything but killing yourself —"

"I know any of those things you're thinking of wouldn't have worked, I... I was hurting you; and apparently you prefer cuts over bruises"

"You had no right—"

"I had all the right, Patrick. It was my life and I decided it to end silently and painless" Patrick stayed silent.

He repeated Pete's words carefully in his mind again and again, then tears streamed down his face.

"Do you remember that time," Patrick said "...when we were laying in bed, and holding each other tightly, thinking about our lives?" Pete didn't answer "Remember when you told me we would solve our problems... when you told me 'we will be together no matter what'? R... Remember that?"

"I do, Trick... But that's just a memory, it doesn't change a thing"

"Do you remember when we were fucking happy together, when you were by my side? When I never needed to selfharm for anxiety? When I never needed to talk to myself like I'm mentally ill?"

"Patrick, please don't—"

"We were fucking okay, Peter!" Patrick yelled at the voice and the image of Pete next to him "We never needed anything! We were just FUCKING FINE!!" Patrick collapsed on the floor and starting crying. "I need..." he said between stutters "... I need..."

"Don't you dare, Trick" Pete's voice said.

"I FUCKING NEED IT!!" He yelled "You didn't care about me when you took those pills; and now that I want to chop my arm off, you do?"

The blades were at his house, so he went downstairs and into his apartment and looked for them, but he couldn't find them. He went to the bathroom and opened every drawer until he found one or two.

"Patrick, don't..."

"Fuck you, Pete"

* * *

 After passing out, Patrick went for a walk. Unfortunately it was raining heavily... But still he wanted to get out of his own world.

He knew he was going insane, and he didn't want that. He wanted to be normal; for the past year he wanted to experience at least one day without talking to himself or without thinking about Pete and the second he walked in and saw him laying inside the bathtub, with pills on his side and telling him it was too late.

Patrick's arms were filled with cuts and scars, but he was good at hiding it. At least, so he thought.

While he was walking, his hair, clothes, and everything was filled with water. When he started feeling uncomfortable about it, he turned around to go back home with his demons. He was so soaked in his thoughts that, for the first time, he didn't know where he was... It was a part of town he didn't know.

He crossed the street to see if he could round the block and do his best to walk home.

"Hey," a car pulled over next to him "do you want a ride?"

"No thanks," Patrick said politely.

"C'mon Pat..." the driver answered "you're all wet and you'll catch a cold"

Patrick stopped walking and got closer to the car.

"Gerard?" he asked confused.

"Hi!" Gerard answered ", are you getting inside the car or..."

"I'd rather walking, thanks"

"Oh, c'mon... You'll catch a cold"

 _A cold is the least of my problems_ Patrick thought. He went inside the car to stop Gerard’s insistence.

* * *

Gerard took Patrick to his apartment, while he was thinking ' _How the fuck did I get here'_.

"You can get undressed in the second room on your right," Gerard said "I'll set the dryer"

"Thanks" Patrick said. Earlier, back in the car, G offered Trick to dry his clothes so he wouldn't have to go to a laundry later. Apparently Patrick accepted because otherwise he would be still walking outside.

Patrick walked to the room Gerard told him about. He got undressed. He didn't notice that next to him, there was a full body mirror; and when he did he admired his own body. It was full of scars, cuts and recent bruises.

"I seriously need to stop this" he whispered to himself. Suddenly he was interrupted by a knocking on the door. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this is pretty violent im sorry.


	3. Atavan Halen

Patrick's thoughts were interrupted by a knocking on the door.

"Are you done yet?" Gerard asks

"Yeah, I'll be right there" he grabbed his clothes and hid behind the door.

As he opened the door and gave G the clothing, he just showed his arm, which gave G the alert he was uncomfortable with himself, then he noticed the cuts. They were there.

"I'll bring you something for you to... Cover up" he said shocked. G rushed into his room and grabbed the first thing he saw which was a sweater and a pair of jeans that surprisingly fit Patrick (since he was a little chubby).

Trick went outside the room and followed G to the living room.

"So..." Patrick said admiring the place from side to side "nice place you got here"

"Thanks..." G said smiling nervously ", Mikey and I did this together"

"You both did an awesome job" Gerard was still curious about the marks on his arm.

"You know... I noticed something on your arms"

"Sorry?" Patrick said estranged.

"Earlier... I noticed a kind of weird... red slashes" he didn't know how to tell him that without sounding curious on " _crazy aunt_ " level.

"Oh, those..." Patrick said "Yeah well, I have a cat and it's a little violent" Gerard felt relieved. He thought he had fucked up.

"Thank god," Gerard said "I thought you were cutting and stuff... I mean, it's not that I think that's some weird shit, but I just think no one should ever do that"

"No..." Patrick laughed "it's okay, most of the people think the same"

"So... this cat of yours"

"Yeah, was my roommate's," Patrick made up this whole thing "when he got away, I kept his cat and now I take care of it like we used to do when we were still living together"

"Roommate, huh?" Gerard asked.

"Yeah, don't feel comfortable talking about him, though"

"What happened to him? Why did he move without paying his rent?" Gerard joked.

"He died..."

"What?!" G went into this weird shock where he realized he did fuck up this time.

"Yes... I don't like to talk about it"

"I understand..." Gerard said staying silent for a few seconds "But, how did he die?"

"Gerard, please..." Patrick almost begged. It has been almost 3 years, and his heart is still in pieces... G was just salting a wound without knowing.

"Okay. Can I know his name at least?"

"Pete…"

“Just ‘Pete’?” G asked.

“Wentz”

" _Pete Wentz_?" G asked surprised "Like that guy from the band that used to play at the Rockit?"

"That same guy" Patrick said while a single tear ran down his cheekbone.

"That band was absolutely dope!" G said excited "What was it's name, again?"

" _ **Fall Out Boy**_...?"

"THAT ONE!!" The dryer's bell rang, interrupting G. He started humming one of Pete's band's songs while getting Patrick's clothes. "Here," He said handing Trick his clothes.

"Looks like you're a fan..." Trick said actually smiling from the first time.

"Are you kidding me?" G said "I worked at the Rockit... I was the guy graffitiing on the walls; everytime Fall Out Boy played, I was there making art"

"That's so cool" Patrick said... for the first time in [like] forever, he was feeling someone else's warmth. He was feeling confident and comfortable about being around a real person "I was in Pete's band, but, those were the good times, you know? After his death we couldn't go on and it all fell apart"

"Oh, wow... this is so freaking cool!" Gerard fangirled

"It was pretty awesome" Patrick said nostalgic.

* * *

After an hour or two, Gerard asked Patrick if he needed a ride home.

"No." Patrick answered going back to his dark hole within himself "I mean... I could walk"

"It's still raining. Do you even care about your health?"

"Not really" he whispered to himself and then said: "I'll be okay; I have walked before"

"I won't let you do that, Pat"

"Don't you ever call me Pat again, please" Gerard laughed and then asked why. "Well, my mother's name is Patricia and everybody called her Pat. When people tell me Pat, I instantly relate it to her... not that I don't love her or anything, it's just I'd rather Trick or just Patrick"

"Fine, so... do I take you home now or?"

* * *

When G drove Trick home, he noticed his attitude changed drastically, it was like he became a much different person than in G's place.

When Gerard got home, he googled "Pete Wentz" while the name was still fresh in his mind. Then he found the news:

 _"_ _ **Man kills himself with his own medicine:** _ _Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz (23) was found dead at his apartment by his roommate and best friend._

_Wentz was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and his doctor had prescribed Lorazepam [or commercially known as Ativan] to calm the anxiety caused by the psychological condition. His roommate declared Pete had been acting normally and he couldn't imagine why he killed himself"_

Gerard stayed in awe for a few minutes after reading that. Pete had killed himself and didn't tell anybody how or why until he finally did it. He tried to imagine Trick seeing Pete's corpse on the floor or in the kitchen table. He thought that it would be hard to see the person that you love the most dying or already dead.

That same night, he had a nightmare about Patrick crying; he whispered something and then threw himself off the edge of a rooftop. Gerard woke up scared and sweating.

He felt he had to approach Patrick, and look out for him just to get sure he wouldn't do a crazy thing like Pete did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I continue...?


End file.
